One of the most famous vegans on Earth is showing just how well his body is coping with his chosen lifestyle.

Steve Jobs announced that he will not be a keynote speaker at Apple's MacWorld Expo trade show this week due to poor health. Job's has been dangerously thin for years, having been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in July of 2003.¹ The official word is that Job's current health is due to "a hormone imbalance that has been 'robbing' me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy."²

Proteins, huh? Hormones are stealing your protein? Now, I'm not one to kick a man when he's down, but come on... he's a vegan who's losing weight. Improper nutrition can lead to hormonal imbalances, among a very long list of other problems. So, I'm sorry, Steve, but you don't need a doctor to figure out what's aggravating your already poor condition.

As Mark Sutton from itp.net says, "Steve Jobs needs a hamburger."³



1. "Steve Jobs looks dangerously thin," gawker.com
2. "Letter from Apple CEO Steve Jobs," apple.com
3. "Steve Jobs needs a hamburger," itp.net

It's bad for you. Just don't think about it.

1 lb. mild pork sausage (you might remember seeing this in a fancy little tube)
roughly 1/3 cup of flour (this isn't brain surgery... so chill)
1 cup of milk (doesn't matter what kind, because you'll be adding water)
2 tbsp chopped onions (use minced if you like... we're easy... but rehydrate them first)
dash of salt
black pepper to taste

Brown the sausage in a skillet of some sort. Use a big one. You have a lot of stuff to add. Use a potato masher (the crappy kind that looks like a squiggly wire) to break up the sausage. DO NOT DRAIN the grease unless there is more than a few tablespoons, in which case you will need to leave a few tablespoons in the sausage. Nowadays, sausage is usually pretty lean. It's very unlikely that you'll need to drain the skillet.

Spread the sausage evenly in the skillet and evenly cover with the flour. Reduce the heat to a simmer. Mix the flour and sausage together slowly so that the sausage is covered and there are no lumps. Warm the milk (yes, you can microwave it) and add to the pan while stirring. Blend until a nice paste is formed. Add about a cup of water and the onions. Stir until a thick sauce is formed (think Cream of Wheat).

Transfer the mixture into a kettle or large sauce pan and slowly add warm water until you reach your desired gravy consistency. Add salt and pepper. Find your biscuits.

Let's make some fatty goodness!

2 1/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tbsp baking powder
4 tbsp shortening
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp salt

The most important thing to remember about making a good biscuit is that you need a hot, oiled, and preferably already black pan or baking sheet. An old blackened pizza pan will work nicely, as will a cast iron skillet. I prefer to use an old cookie sheet. I'm talking old. Old as in it's so black you can't tell what kind of metal it's made of. Go find one and come back. Call your Grandma if you have to.

Now, mix the dry ingredients together in a mixing bowl. Blend in half of the shortening until the mixture is coarse and grainy. I use a fork. You can use a pastry blender if you're a big baby. Next, stir in the buttermilk with a fork. Do not over mix this. The less you work with dough that contains baking soda and baking powder the better. They won't react as much if you beat them to death.

Put the dough on a floured table or board and knead just a few times. Pat out the dough to about 1/2 inch thick. Cut with a biscuit cutter or a glass. Fair warning: a glass does not make as clean a cut and will interfere with rising, so do this at your own risk. Do not twist the cutting tool. Do not handle the dough any more than you have to (I explained this already).

Put the remaining shortening in your pan and put it in the oven at 325 degrees for about 7 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and place the biscuits in the pan. Bake the biscuits until barely browned on top and then turn them. Bake until the other side is lightly browned. This will take about 10 minutes so don't leave the room. You can stir your gravy if you're bored. You are making sausage gravy, aren't you? Duh.

Even your Christmas Tree needs to show your love for all things meat. Check out my tree topper.

Meatballs That Will Kill You
That's not a joke. These things are bad. Bad as in awesome... but also bad as in "deadly artery-clogging cholesterol bombs." The cool thing about this recipe is that I don't really know it. I have made these things so many times that I never measure. Ever. So here, to the best of my ability, is the frequently asked for (but comprised of total guess-work) recipe for Swedish meatballs:

The Stuff:

2 lb. ground beef
2 lb. ground pork
2 cups dried bread crumbs (Italian bread works nicely)
1 qt. heavy whipping cream
1 crap-load of butter
4 cups beef broth or stock (stock is better for you
but it won't matter much once you start this)
2 tsp. ground allspice
2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tsp. ground white pepper
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. garlic (powder or 2 tbsp. chopped fresh)
1/2 cup chopped onions (sweet is better)
3 eggs

Mixing:

Beat the eggs and set aside. Mix 1 cup of cream with the bread crumbs and set aside. You may need more cream depending on how dry the bread is (you want the consistency of Cream of Wheat). Mix the ground meat together (use your hands like a man). Now in the biggest bowl you have, mix the eggs, spices and onions together. Add the bread crumb mixture and meat and blend it all together with your hands again. Don't lick your fingers. Roll the resulting sticky mess into little one inch balls. You can dust your hands with flour as necessary to keep the mixture from sticking to your fingers.

Cooking:

Melt butter over medium heat in a skillet or frying pan and shallow fry the meatballs, turning them after they brown. The browner they are, the more meaty flavor comes out... but don't burn them. Place the broth or stock in a crock pot or kettle over medium heat and add the meatballs. Add enough water to cover them. Now let them simmer for a few hours. You'll probably need to add water periodically. Pour off the liquid into another container and add the remaining cream. Mix well, and pour it back into the kettle with the meatballs.

You have just made one of the Foods of the Gods. You owe me big time. Pat yourself on the back and share them with your friends, even if they are Scottish.