Here you don't get a ticket for driving too fast. You get your brains eaten for driving too slow!

One morning while eating breakfast with my two boys, Mike and Danny, we were trying to come with the most tasty flavor for a popsicle.

Mikey, who is 6, was first with watermelon. My mind immediately went to some sort of rum and Diet Coke concoction. But, the true epiphany came from my youngest. In a sweet little voice Danny said, "Dada, I know what would be a good popsicle...BACON!"

At that moment, I was overcome! I couldn't have been more proud. A tear welled up in the corner of my eye and I experienced a true father/son moment. Through the welling pride, tears of joy, and laughter... I could not help but shout "THAT'S MY BOY!"

So to all the world's popsicle makers I can only say one thing...

WE WANT OUR BACON FLAVORED POPSICLES!!

Billy Mays has always been one of my marketing heroes. He was such a phenomenal pitchman that he could sell anything. But he didn't. OxiClean works. Mighty Putty works. Hell, even that crazy little cellphone transmitter, the Jupiter Jack, works. I know. Angus and I each have one in our vehicles.

Billy pitched very few food items, but he did help you get your grubby little hands on the Big City Slider Station. He was also about to launch a major ad campaign with the fast food giant Taco Bell.¹

What made Billy special was that he was able to carry on the tradition of the man on the soapbox and still move merchandise that was worth what you paid for it. Having spent over twenty years in the advertising industry, I can tell you from experience that most of the time you DON'T get what you pay for. In his own words "Billy Mays doesn't sell snake oil!"²

Billy Mays - 1958-2009


Enjoy some great moments with our favorite fast-talking carnivore, Billy Mays:

Click here to watch the classic video of Billy ordering at McDonald's drive-thru in Tampa, Florida, for the MJ Morning Show (93.3 WFLZ).

Click here to watch the Big City Slider Station spot.


Sources:
1. Todd "MJ" Schnitt, MJ Morning Show (93.3 WFLZ)
2. Pitchmen, Episode 3, Discovery Channel, April 29, 2009

Native American author and comedian Sherman Alexie is a favorite target of PETA, mostly because he doesn't pull punches when it comes to eating animals and overly zealous environmentalists. Enjoy some of his finer moments:


"For one thing, environmentalism is a luxury. Just like being a vegetarian is a luxury. When you have to worry about eating - you're not going to be worried about where the food's coming from, or who made your shoes. Poverty, whether planned or not planned, is a way of making environmentalism moot. Even this discussion is a luxury."

Source: The Iowa Review, vol. 30, no. 3, Winter 2000


"During a recent San Francisco antiwar protest, a young woman carried a sign that read 'Vegetarians for Peace.'

When are we left-wingers going to learn that we are losing the cultural and political battle with conservatives because we are fractured into narcissistic special-interest groups? Why should an antiwar protestor be so concerned about her dietary identity? The political opinions of vegetarians and meat-eaters are, after all, equally important. And what does it tell us about vegetarians that it would never occur to meat-eaters to carry a sign that reads "Pacifist Pork Chop Lover for Peace" or 'Backyard Rib Barbecuer for International Nuclear Disarmament?'"

Source: The Stranger, April 17, 2003


"I've gotten death threats from vegans… What are they going to do? Throw their Birkenstocks at me?"

Source: The Stranger, April 17, 2003


"The day you get a cow up here to beat me in a poetry slam is the day I’ll stop eating them. Only so many words rhyme with 'moo.' I mean, yes, we're supposed to be better stewards. Yes, we're supposed to take care of the earth. Yes, we're supposed to honor the sacrifices made by the animals. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes — but damn it, we're in charge! And you know why? It's because of these [holding out thumbs]...

Maybe you think that carrots are less important than cows. I think they're equal, especially in a sauce."

Source: Live at Cataldo Hall, Gonzaga University, Spokane, WA

Part One in a Series of Indeterminate Length

One of the best ways to spend a winter evening is eating all the scraps from your summer cook-outs. I know what you're saying – "Scraps? That's crazy talk!" Well, you can't eat everything all the time or you'll explode, and winter's coming sooner or later. So here's a handy guide to make the most out of your uneaten sausages, burgers and steaks.

Step 1: Gathering

The first thing to remember when salvaging your leftover carnage is to offer everything else to your guests. In the Midwest, it seems to be a standard practice to offer your close friends or family some of the leftovers. Great. You're a good guy. But there goes the remainder of the awesome smoked sausage you just made.

So make sure you always have plenty of containers you're willing to part with. Why? So your guests can take potato and pasta salads with them. Ah ha! Nobody likes to be selfish. Free containers for side dishes equals more meat left for you! You can save things like sour cream, cottage cheese, margarine or Chinese take-out containers. Running low on plastic wrap, zip-lock bags and aluminum foil on purpose never hurts either, especially when trying to deter would-be meat-takers.

Step 2: Freeze Everything

Never throw away a scrap of steak or those three uneaten smoked Italian sausages. You're a meat eater. Eventually you'll have enough scraps to make a hell of stew or an awesome roast that's not actually made of a whole roast. Understand? Now you're starting to think like a true carnivore! Hey, if your going to eat another animal's butt, at least be respectful and eat it all.

Step 3: Get a Really Big Pot

If you're going to cook something a second time, you're going to need a big pot. A giant kettle will do, but if you want to be able to walk away you might want to go with something a little safer, like a large crock-pot. A six-quart crock-pot or "slow-cooker" will run you about $25. It's worth it. Hell, buy two for those special occasions. You'll pay for them quickly once winter comes. I personally don't make it that long. There's nothing like a steak and smoked sausage stew on cold October evening.

Step 4: Defrost Your Treasures

Never try to cook or stew anything frozen. Crock-pots are great, but if you throw a bunch of frozen meat into one and walk away, even if the pot is set on high it'll be about 14 hours before it warms up, let alone cooks anything. Defrost your meat overnight in your refrigerator. Microwaves are great, but your meat's already been cooked. Adding heat that rapidly is going to cook the outside layers of your scraps again and make them tough. Also, never defrost more meat than you really intend to use, because refreezing usually means loss of food quality.

You CAN, however, refreeze meat under certain circumstances. The U. S. Dept. of Agriculture (USDA) states "Meat and poultry defrosted in the refrigerator may be refrozen before or after cooking. If thawed by other methods, cook before refreezing."¹ I personally think it's like making a copy of a copy. The more times you freeze something, the more it degrades. So... now you know. Don't email me just to tell me you can refreeze things.

So now you've learned how to collect and reclaim your salvage. This should keep you busy for the rest of the summer. Start cooking.


Watch for Part Two: "I've got a Bucket of Defrosted Meat... Now What?"

No... I still don't make this stuff up:
1. (Basics for Handling Food Safely, September 8, 2006).